I want to scream. I want to hit something, to destroy something. Anything. I want to cry uncontrollably and laugh through the tears. I want my outside to look as insane as my insides feel. I want to start walking and not stop until my legs collapse beneath me and then I can just lie in the dirt and the filth, unseen, unnoticed.
I don’t know what I want…. yes I do… I want to call him. I want to hear his mundane complaints about people and his gripes about the world. I want to hear what the stupid dogs have done. I want to ask him about how he’s been. I want to protect him.
Instead I sit quietly. I smile when I am expected to. I hide my tears until I am in the bathroom or the closet. I follow blindly and do as others want. I am numb…I tremble.
I am going through the motions. That’s the best that I can do right now. I know that the reality of his death is going to crash into my brain when I least expect it to and that frightens me. I am going to breathe. I am going to smile when I am expected to. I am going to hide my tears. I am going to please others and do what they want. I will remain numb…for now.